Monday, November 22, 2010

Mothers, Children

You know, the more I get to know my own mother and MIL, the more I pray that I will be smart enough to keep a healthy relationship with my own children and their spouses/children. I've gotten to a point in my life that I can see so many mistakes that I've made and have gotten ok with admitting those mistakes. I know it's important to people you've wronged that you just admit the wrong and apologize for it. Where my own growth seems to stop is in expecting others to do the same, and not being able to get passed there lack of acknowledgement in hurting me or others close to my heart.

There are so many times that I've seen truly horrendous things that no child should have seen. Some of the things my parents have they had done in front of us as children were extremely wrong. We saw way too much as children, things my adult children still haven't seen. When I brought this up to my parents, just to see where their opinions were now at a more mature age, they laugh it off like it was funny. The way we grew up would have been a situation that we would have been taken from the home had it been reported. There was a lot of drugs, sex and crime in our childhood.

My mother in law, has issues with her son (my husband) that she will refuse to acknowledge. I won't get into that on my blog, because those are not my memories.....they are his.

The point is that I've made numerous mistakes with my children. We all do. But there is a point when your mistakes have crossed a line. Where your actions are only for yourself REGARDLESS of the repercussions to your children. I made mistakes in my early twenties, too many boyfriends, too much drinking. I'm lucky that my children were shielded from most of it because much of it went on outside my home. But they are aware of some of it and to be in denial is show lack of respect for their feelings in what I put them through as their mom. It was up to me to show them a happy childhood, it was up to me to give them good (or bad) memories, it was up to me to do right or do wrong.

I've spoken to my children about these things. I've explained and apologized where I messed up. I'm not asking for forgiveness because at this point they've not expressed anger. I wonder if it could be that they may not hold any anger because I've acknowledged my wrongs toward them. I didn't wait for them to request an apology, I gave it because I knew they deserved it.

It's very difficult for me to talk to either of my moms and take anything they say seriously. My own mother came to my home (by my invitation) to celebrate her birthday with a lil family get together. 2 weeks later, when my 4 yr old son's birthday came up, she didn't call or come by. I posted my unhappiness on facebook......I knew my stepdad would see this. The Response? Why didn't you remind us? Three more days past by before I replied......OK, you've been reminded, when are you going to call or come by to wish him a happy birthday? The Response? Why didn't you call us so we could wish him a happy birthday?

Are you fucking kidding me?

I cut the ties once and for all. I say that I am done with the relationship with my mom and stepdad, but I do realize that it will never end. I'll always harbor bad feelings toward them for the lack of concern and understanding in what they stole from our lives as kids. I've moved passed it the only way that I can, I'll not let my children grow up anymore with thinking that it's ok to let people treat you like shit just because they are related to you. I miss my mom, I love the idea of who my mom could be. The reality is a stab in the heart. She has so many issues, and while I know she had a bad childhood herself, why can't she grow up and move on herself. Maybe if she starts this conversation with her own mom, then she and I can have ours.

But I know her well enough to know this - it will never happen. She lives to play the victim.......she's done it for so long she doesn't know anything else.

to be continued......

Sunday, June 6, 2010

beauty bits

So, now that it's summer (aka hot, humid and just plain sticky) I've been trying to find a way to still wear my daily make up and not have it melt off me on my walk to work. Finally had to realize that no matter what company's make up I try, it's just going to be sweated off and wasted. So, I am washing my face really well, applying my sunscreen, throw on the shades and leave the house with my make up in my bag. The plan I have now is to double up on the basics.....moisturizing tint, mascara, eye liner, lip liner, etc. I'll leave those at work to alleviate the stuff I have to carry on the day to day. All I'll have to take to work in the actual colors of shadow and lipstick for that day.

Now I've tried many brands of foundation and tinted moisturizers, but I've not found one that doesn't get removed from my face once I start sweating.....and some of this stuff is super expensive so I hate wasting it.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010


So today is the day for taking two of my midterms. I am exhausted and stressed out. Why? Because this semester has be frightened in the difficulty level. These classes are harder than I thought and I don't know if I can do this right. So what has been my solution? Ignore it. Well, now it's nearly 5am and I have been up most of the night. I went to bed late after studying, couldn't sleep. Kept thinking about school. Now I've been up since 4am and decided to take a quick break to type up this fear of mine and get it out of my system. I will deal with whatever consequences happen due to my lazy fear for school.

Next semester will be much harder because I will be back to my fulltime job and dealing with 6 classes. I don't know how I will get it done, but I won't be scared. But maybe I can work that to be more of a nervousness instead of fear.

Ok, back to study.

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