Inside My Head

Why?  Why can't I tell people no?  And why can't I tell people no without the guilt?  Am I not allowed to say no?  Am I not allowed to just do what I want and maybe I just don't want to do what you're asking?  Who said I'm not allowed to say no?  Is it just part of me?  Is it pressure from peers?  Why am I filling this whole paragraph with questions?  Am I feeling pressured to keep the questions going?  Why?

I've given 5 years of constant "yes" but I know there's no one available right now that would be able to give the hours I give.  Do I stay until that person comes along?  Do I say hey that's not my problem?  Do I turn my back on my community?  Do I turn my back on my own words to others about giving back?  Why do I keep asking myself these questions?  Why does the question mark look like this?  Does it have that hook because a question keeps you hanging by a hook until you get the answer?

This is just little sample on how my brain talks to me all day.  Sorry for the headache.

NO MORE ORGANIZATION!!!

I've had a fat problem (problem with being fat?) for years now.  I research.  I plan.  I organize.  I plot. But I never just do it.  Nike really had the whole thing figured out didn't they?  I realized that in my researching and planning and organizing and plotting.........I would find excuses in why I personally wouldn't be able to do this journey.  I wasn't really looking for a way to do it....I was looking for ways to get out of it.

I'm still fat and still not doing anything to lose weight.  I only had this discovery last night. But I need to go grocery shopping.  So I decided to try to do it different.  I have all the recipes I need.  So now instead of going to the grocery store and grabbing stuff I don't need and shouldn't have, I'm going to use those healthy recipes today to do my shopping online.  Everything will be getting delivered tonight or tomorrow morning so I won't be able to have time to organize my way out of it.  LOL.

I'm going for a walk today, already got my clothes out and SNEAKERS.  I'm talking to my boss today.  I'm gonna go for a lunch time stroll.  I don't know if the 'steps' will make any dent on my pedometer but at least it will get me away from my desk and break up the day.  My mind is all over the place right now in how to break my own cycle of not doing shit.  And on how to get my husband to help me do it.

Stay tuned.

210 Pounds

Today I ate, I munched, I snacked.  And that was only this morning.  Well, I just five minutes ago decided to get myself on my scale.  I knew I would still be right about 195 lbs.  Really?  It's crazy that I'm in denial 24/7 about my weight and health.....do I not struggle to carry my fat ass around all day?

I mean, this is just ridiculous.  I know I have a tendency to avoid things that I know have to get done until the last moment.  But what's the last moment when it comes to my health?  Death?

I'm so involved with my community and my job.  But it's my family that gives me the most joy.  And I want to be here with them always.  So before I started to type this, I took all the snacks from my bedroom and I'm taking them downstairs.  No more night time or bedroom eating or drinking.....unless it's water.  And I'm putting alarms reminders on my phone......hopefully this will help.

Tomorrow I'm going to not.  Not over eat.  Not eat according to my mood.  I'm going to eat according to my plan.  My Fitness Pal - here I come baby!!!!  No more Facebook groups where none of us are really helping each other.

Tomorrow I will do my Zumba, eat breakfast and at least start my day right.  I'll be concentrating on these couple of goals first.  I can't wait to see where I end up.

1st Goal - 200 lbs by the end of April.  That's 10 lbs.